I want to preface the below by first saying how much I love you. I also think it is important to remember that despite how challenging and not fun learning about one another's communication styles and addressing conflict may be, it is key to a successful, fulfilling and long-lasting relationship. Finally, the reason I am sharing the below with you is because I am hurt but assume it was not your intent and you may not have realized how hurt I feel/felt.
You and I have been incredibly open and vulnerable with one another about many things. We have dug deep emotionally and have taken each other to highs and have the capacity to induce lows. Feeling safe in a relationship is to trust that your partner will not take you to lows even though it is within their power to do so .
Natural highs and lows are part of being human. This week was tough for me with tax frustrations and my job in jeopardy. Old family wounds opening up made today a particular low. I was open with you about the fear, anxiety, loneliness and pain I was experiencing. Despite years of therapy and emotional work, there are triggering people/things I struggle to put into words or fully grasp, yet my body and mind will remind me of their presence if I do not respect the physical or time boundaries I have set for myself. The pain, fear and general confusion when triggered is overwhelming and can be very tough to get out of. It is scary.
I am embarrassed about the state I am in but felt safe enough to be raw in my emotions rather than hiding them or not sharing with you. I was not asking you to fix it as that is not your job and I don't think some things can be or ever will be fixed. When you asked how can you help, I have as little of a clue to what you can do to help as I can think clearly in this state. In this state, making sense of what I am feeling and putting that into words for someone else feels impossible. All I expressed to you was how scared I was, how alone I felt and how physically paralyzed I felt. When you then said you were going to go to bed and that you have no idea what to say, I felt abandoned at my lowest. The feeling of shame and abandonment after sharing this rawness compounded the existing emotions.
I don't expect anyone to be equipped to fix these things and if you cannot see any way to be there for me during these emotions, I understand. My history and residual emotions may be scary and difficult to deal with as a partner. However, I would rather deal with the emotions on my own rather than take on additional hurt feeling abandoned after sharing with you. If this is your boundary, I can accept that. But I would prefer to know that so I do not overshare and create more pain for myself in the future. All I ask is that when we are in our own personal lows if we can just hug on another and be there - if we cannot hug and be physically there for one another, then what is the digital equivalent?